Today...was by far the most excruciating pain I've ever endured. Not only physically, but emotionally. The pain where at that moment, nothing else mattered. It was one of moments where the world stood completely still and its just you in your moment of misery.
I knew something had to be wrong. I debated even going. I honestly didnt know how I was going to react. Theres only been a few times in my life where I was legitimately scared, and today, I was terrified. I knew what was coming and I needed to face it alone. I wanted, no, needed that time after those words where spoken to take in what was just said. So I put on my brave face and walked into the fear of my reality.
As she walked me to the sterile, white, cold room, a million thoughts going through my head. " Dont cry, dont cry. Oh God Felicia, please dont cry. I felt it though. They were hiding behind my embarrassment and my fear of uncontrollable crying. "Is this really happening? Did I hear her right? Why me? Why US?" The older, beautiful and caring woman who conducted the exam, handed me a box of kleenex. After the most sincere embrace, the one you wouldnt expect from a stranger who didnt know you from the next, she spoke her words of encouragement."Honey, youre going to be okay. I can tell youre a strong woman but its okay to cry."
Yeah, that was my baby.
I didnt know him for very long, never kissed him, never held him, but I still very much loved em. He was mine. I was to protect him. I failed miserably. Why did he decide to go? I'll never know, but the pain of losing something so precious was too much too handle. It still is. Was it something I did? What could I have done different? I still question myself. I know theres not much that could have been done but the guilt, I know, is going to hold me hostage.
"Felicia, miscarriages happen for a reason. There was something wrong with the baby.." Or me..
Whatever the reason, my heart still aches with sadness. Its the kind where you can literally feel the pain in your chest. Painful, pathetically painful. Hurts for the tiny being that nestled in my womb for ten weeks. Hurts for my loving boyfriend who wanted this baby more than anyone knew. He's been my rock since I suspected it. Expressing encouraging words of hope.I sometimes have to bring myself back to reality and remember that that was his baby as well. Sometimes we just get so consumed in our own grief that we dont see how it affected the ones that mean the most. And hes one, that means the most.
Ive always heard stories of women who have had miscarriages and I just assumed it would never happen to me. I never denied it would hurt like they claimed but it really does make you want to crawl in a corner and sleep forever. It hurts more than you know. Id like to think Im a strong person, but believe me, my heart is broken. No words can sooth this heart. It just hurts...
I knew something had to be wrong. I debated even going. I honestly didnt know how I was going to react. Theres only been a few times in my life where I was legitimately scared, and today, I was terrified. I knew what was coming and I needed to face it alone. I wanted, no, needed that time after those words where spoken to take in what was just said. So I put on my brave face and walked into the fear of my reality.
As she walked me to the sterile, white, cold room, a million thoughts going through my head. " Dont cry, dont cry. Oh God Felicia, please dont cry. I felt it though. They were hiding behind my embarrassment and my fear of uncontrollable crying. "Is this really happening? Did I hear her right? Why me? Why US?" The older, beautiful and caring woman who conducted the exam, handed me a box of kleenex. After the most sincere embrace, the one you wouldnt expect from a stranger who didnt know you from the next, she spoke her words of encouragement."Honey, youre going to be okay. I can tell youre a strong woman but its okay to cry."
Yeah, that was my baby.
I didnt know him for very long, never kissed him, never held him, but I still very much loved em. He was mine. I was to protect him. I failed miserably. Why did he decide to go? I'll never know, but the pain of losing something so precious was too much too handle. It still is. Was it something I did? What could I have done different? I still question myself. I know theres not much that could have been done but the guilt, I know, is going to hold me hostage.
"Felicia, miscarriages happen for a reason. There was something wrong with the baby.." Or me..
Whatever the reason, my heart still aches with sadness. Its the kind where you can literally feel the pain in your chest. Painful, pathetically painful. Hurts for the tiny being that nestled in my womb for ten weeks. Hurts for my loving boyfriend who wanted this baby more than anyone knew. He's been my rock since I suspected it. Expressing encouraging words of hope.I sometimes have to bring myself back to reality and remember that that was his baby as well. Sometimes we just get so consumed in our own grief that we dont see how it affected the ones that mean the most. And hes one, that means the most.
Ive always heard stories of women who have had miscarriages and I just assumed it would never happen to me. I never denied it would hurt like they claimed but it really does make you want to crawl in a corner and sleep forever. It hurts more than you know. Id like to think Im a strong person, but believe me, my heart is broken. No words can sooth this heart. It just hurts...
