To My Daughter

I'm sorry Ellie. I'm sorry for not being able to hold our once tight-knit family together. I'm sorry for the hurt that this is causing your tiny, but oh so loving heart. You're a beautiful, healthy, energetic, smart and playful little girl that doesn't deserve this. You are an innocent being and I wish daddy would realize that you are the one most affected. He didn't even give you a chance to have a normal childhood, with two loving parents. Daddy and I both came from broken families and this is not how I saw us raising you. And for that I am so sorry. You will never remember all the happy times daddy and mommy shared with you, together, as a family. There were many. It wasn't always bad...despite what daddy says. Who am I kidding, it was a wonderful 4 years.  My heart hurts knowing you will never have any memories of us together. It now, will only be memories with mommy and memories with daddy. But I promise you Ellie, I promise to be the best mother I know how. I promise to show you all the love in the world. Your life is forever changed. But that doesn't mean we cant have one amazing life together.

So please Ellie, just know that mommy did everything in her power to keep your family together. I really did. I hope you can one day look back on this and see my efforts.

Its now just you and I, my girl, and we must stick together. We WILL get through this, and we will move on together.

Mommy Loves You.

Making Peace

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”


Now I feel like Im getting somewhere. Like the hold that was once squeezing me ever so tightly was finally loosening its grip.


Thanks to tonight..


I needed this talk to say my peace, give it one last shot. Prove to myself that I DID give it 100%. Maybe somethings weren't meant to be...like this. I still believe we could have made it, could have been happy again. I will probably never understand a lot of why this is happening, but Ive come to accept that i cant change someone that doesnt want to change himself. I think its crazy to just give up on everything we've worked so hard for. When times got a little tough, he bailed on not only his marriage but his daughter. I never saw him as a quitter, but my views on him have changed. People change over time, yes, but that doesnt mean you cant learn to love that new person. How do you think people stay married for years upon years? They work at it, they grow with eachother, they're commited to standing by that one person who once stole their heart, through the good and the bad. Most of all, LOVE. Despite what some may say, love just doesnt go away overnight. 
I don't care as much about myself anymore as I do for that little girl with that cheesy smile of hers. Her happiness is all that matters. I realized I need to focus all my negative energy into loving her that much more. She is my world now...no one else.



I can breathe again..




"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever" (1 cor 13:4-8)...

Should tell me something right?

A Burst of Sunshine During a Thunderstorm

As much as I didnt want to go, Im glad I did. This was in the midst of the heartache. The unbearable pain that decided to show itself to the world. It was said that taking this time and going to Disneyland would be good for me. Now that I look back, it probably was the best decision. I think Ellie needed it. She enjoyed it so much. When something like this happens to a marriage, we seem to forget about who we're affecting. She was definitely affected during this miserable time. Though wheres a better place to be at a time like this than 'The Happiest Place on Earth'?

I was excited to go to the beach while we were in California. Something about the beach makes life's worries disappear. For me its the ideal place to be when going through something so traumatic.

I could've stayed in such a beautiful, uplifting place and forget about the thing that brought me there..

Broken-Hearted

They say it just get easier over time..when really the nights just get that much more painful. When you're laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, asking yourself, "How the hell did I let this happen?" Its a question that Im constantly asking myself. We were perfect. We had it all. We couldve conquered the world together. I loved him. We were meant to be...right? I still like to think so. How do you let something get between that? Something I thought was so soild. Its been a month now. Probably the hardest month Ive ever had to face. Each day is a struggle. A stuggle to keep my mind busy. I can easily see how one could go down the wrong path in a situation like mine. Though I have to say, Im lucky to have an amazing support team behind me. It makes it a little easier...just a little.