Unknown Territory

Its been about a year since my last post. I had this urge, this feeling of needing to scream through writing. So here goes...

Today...was by far the most excruciating pain I've ever endured. Not only physically, but emotionally. The pain where at that moment, nothing else mattered. It was one of moments where the world stood completely still and its just you in your moment of misery.

I knew something had to be wrong. I debated even going. I honestly didnt know how I was going to react. Theres only been a few times in my life where I was legitimately scared, and today, I was terrified. I knew what was coming and I needed to face it alone. I wanted, no, needed that time after those words where spoken to take in what was just said. So I put on my brave face and walked into the fear of my reality.

As she walked me to the sterile, white, cold room, a million thoughts going through my head. " Dont cry, dont cry. Oh God Felicia, please dont cry. I felt it though. They were hiding behind my embarrassment and my fear of uncontrollable crying. "Is this really happening? Did I hear her right? Why me? Why US?" The older, beautiful and caring woman who conducted the exam, handed me a box of kleenex. After the most sincere embrace, the one you wouldnt expect from a stranger who didnt know you from the next, she spoke her words of encouragement."Honey, youre going to be okay. I can tell youre a strong woman but its okay to cry."

 Yeah, that was my baby.

 I didnt know him for very long, never kissed him, never held him, but I still very much loved em. He was mine. I was to protect him. I failed miserably. Why did he decide to go? I'll never know, but the pain of losing something so precious was too much too handle. It still is. Was it something I did? What could I have done different? I still question myself. I know theres not much that could have been done but the guilt, I know, is going to hold me hostage.

"Felicia, miscarriages happen for a reason. There was something wrong with the baby.." Or me..

 Whatever the reason, my heart still aches with sadness. Its the kind where you can literally feel the pain in your chest. Painful, pathetically painful. Hurts for the tiny being that nestled in my womb for ten weeks. Hurts for my loving boyfriend who wanted this baby more than anyone knew. He's been my rock since I suspected it.  Expressing encouraging words of hope.I sometimes have to bring myself back to reality and remember that that was his baby as well. Sometimes we just get so consumed in our own grief that we dont see how it affected the ones that mean the most. And hes one, that means the most.


Ive always heard stories of women who have had miscarriages and I just assumed it would never happen to me. I never denied it would hurt like they claimed but it really does make you want to crawl in a corner and sleep forever. It hurts more than you know. Id like to think Im a strong person, but believe me, my heart is broken. No words can sooth this heart. It just hurts...

Rearview Mirror What?

Who says reading doesnt heal the soul? Whoever came up with that, has never endured such sorrows. Ive always been a reader so when this disaster entered my life almost five months ago, i hit the books. "Anything to help", I remember thinking. Well those days are long gone and read through the heartache. Id put my itty bitty book light to great use. It was my best friend for a long while. Well needless to say, its retired. It has been for awhile now. Friends would give me advice on what to read. I surrounded myself with self help books. Catching myself stopping at every book store I passed. Reading half way through them and realizing that this wasnt for me. This is not the person I knew I was. So Id put each one aside and move on to the next.

Untill one of my great friends suggested Steve Harvey's "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man". Where has this book been all my life? He makes some amazing points. Makes you realize everything you thought you knew about men, love, commitment and relationships has been blurred and youve been misinformed. Well, Im not ashamed to admit that my vision was blurred and my standards were set too low. He mentioned, men will rise to the occassion no matter how high we set the bar if they wanted to. Its up to us woman to "set the bar", "have requirements". In that, I failed. He talks about the difference between womans love and mens. Men need to feel appreciated, supported and loved. Women's love stands the test of time, logic and all circumstances.

While reading this book, my eyes opened to the reasons why things didnt work out. And thats okay. If it wasnt now, something wouldve happened later im sure. It's funny cause I feel like im too young to be reading this literature. But im not. Im a young 23 years old with my whole life to live. Hundreds of people to meet, thousands of places to go and a happier life. "Dream Big"someone told me. Theres no better time, its now or never. "Do everything you always wanted, just never really had the chance to do."Its almost like I have this sense of sadness for those who dont get that "second chance." I guess Im one of the lucky ones. I dont look at this as a failure anymore. It would only be a failure if I sat back and watched life, my dreams, my hopes pass me by. Its amazing how differently I feel about life. Not being held down or like Harvey mentions settling for anything less than I should. I know my next time around will be different. I wont settle, I'll love differently, I'll protect what means the most and most of all I know what I want this time. Life is all about learning, loving and living...without looking back.  And thats what Im doing. Theres no rearview mirror on this girl.

On that note, Ellie and I couldnt be better. We smile, play, laugh and cuddle everyday. Things are right on track. Mommys doing better than ever and Ellies the happiest little girl Ive seen in a long time. She went to a tumbling class with Emma the other day and had a blast. She learned a new thing and loves to show anyone who will watch. As for me, Im working again and it feels better than ever. Thats crazy to think but I guess having a sense of purpose again is what I want.

Until next time...

Im There

Its been awhile. I havent felt the need to blog like I did before. My mind has been on other things. Though, I have to admit, it feels really good to write again. I feel like its been forever.

Things are finally getting situated here. Im really liking it. Finding my way around Tucson, getting lost in the process. Finding new places to hang, being introduced to yummy hot spots, meeting new people, making friends, seeing my family whenever I want. Really, what else could I ask for?

Next to being around my family, the thing Ive enjoyed the most is being introduced to new people and making new friends. For the longest time, Ive had the same group of friends and not really had the opportunity of meeting any new faces. This has been, hands down, my favorite part of the move. Ive already made some amazing friends that have been missing in my life. I know Ive been saying I have learned a lot about myself and this is just another thing to add to that list. I learned that Im outgoing and not shy at all!..that is, when Im put in the right setting. In the few weeks that Ive been here, Ive done things that I wouldve never even thought about doing before. I guess you could say, Im coming out of my shell. This is what I needed, that push, that reason to find myself. And for that, Im so thankful. For the past four years, I was stuck in a rut, not able to do the things I always wanted, settling for what I had been handed, and living a life that was a mistake from the beginning. Im laughing now, glad I was rescued, to put it nicely.

Picture Happy

I cant tell you how good it feels to blog again. Here I am, sitting in my new apartment, doing what I love to do. Write. Its been about a week since Ive been able to put my thoughts onto paper, well in my case, my blog.


I feel like one door closed and another one opened. Like the first half of my book was written and now it was time for the last half to be played out. Letting go of my past and not thinking about it has put me at ease. The day I left what was once my house was bittersweet. I loved it but it was just a house. I feel more myself here. Its going to be good.


After moving in, my sister and I decided to take the girls on a walk around the apartment. Its so quiet and peaceful here, almost like we dont belong here with two loud and playful little girls. They loved it though. Everywhere you turn theres a bunny right there. The girls were on a hunt to find all of them. Right next to a mountain and on a golf course, what else could I ask for?





I love love love this picture. My beautiful daughter.













The wait for Toy Story 3 never was forgotten. The girls are in love with the Toy Story movies. The Jessie dolls, action figures, t-shirts, swimsuits. We pretty much had everything Toy Story. They were counting down the days until the third one was released. That was the plan, Friday we were off to see Toy Story 3. Oh man, the girls couldnt have been more excited.









Until next time Toy Story...Im sure we'll see you again.

Family Time

This past weekend there was a family gathering for two of my cousins for graduating from high school. This was the first time I saw my family in a while. With a huge family like mine, it's not very often that our family gets together. While not every member of the family was there, most of us were.

Living in Phoenix, I don't really have the relationship I'd like to have with members of the family but it was still really nice seeing everyone. In between laughing hysterically and chit chatting, there were many shots taken, many songs were sung and lots of picture time.

Grandparents with only four of their MANY grandchildren.

Daniel, Uncle Jonatan and Nick after many drinks.

Cousins.

After a few drinks I took over the mic. I believe we were singing 'Margaritaville'

Daniel and I.

The beautiful Bella, Emma and Alyssa

Im sure we'll have many more family moments since I will be moving to Tucson very shortly.

I CANT wait!

A Day In the Life of a Single Mother

Watching her limp, defeated little body, broke my heart. My little amazing bundle of fresh air was crying for it it to go away. The pain. I had never seen her struggle to maintain that playful, tiny soul of hers. It was unbearable to watch. Though mommy was right there next to her. Wishing I could somehow take all the pain from her and put it all on me. Anything to have her back to her old self.

We ended up in the Emergency Room today. She had been vomiting all night. Twelve times to be exact. The nurse, who was on the other line, seemed so concerned. "Uhh Ms.Tobin, you need to take her to the ER as soon as possible. This isn't normal." I remember my head falling downward and wanting to cry. At that moment, I was terrified. All the possible things that could be wrong with her entered my head. I was telling myself that I could do this. I had to do this. I was all she had at that moment. She needed her mommy to be strong for her, even if she had to face it by herself. For the longest time, I was in a partnership. There was always someone I could lean on if I needed. Not today Felicia. It's all you.

The doctor and all the nurses loved Ellie. Each one of them said what a pretty name she had. They thought she was the cutest thing. She was given the sad face many times from different nurses. This little girl, who looked so pale, who was just laying there, lifeless, still managed to capture everyones heart. She would tell them all, "I'm sick."

We made it though. Through all the crying and pain. The catheter, the needles. She was a big girl. No infections. "Probably just a virus" we were told. She was really dehydrated. There was some sort of weight that lifted off my heart when we were told the findings. "She's going to be okay", I thought. Four hours from entering the hospital, I was leaving with my daughter in my arms. Ellie was by no means "herself" when we were discharged, but the relief of knowing she was going to be just fine, comforted my heart.

The long sleepless night I had just experienced, the worrying, the fever we took on together was all worth it. She's my daughter, the only thing that means the world to me and I was going to be there for her. I always will. Even if it means relying on myself. Today, I did it alone. No family waiting with me as I'm holding my daughter in the hospital bed as I stroke her sweaty hair, no one telling me everything's going to be just fine. It was just us. Ready to take on whatever was wrong together. I keep thinking, what if it was something more serious? I don't know how I would've handled that, alone. I'm sure there will be many more times in my life where it's just going to be Ellie and I. Scared, unsure of what the outcome will be. Today I learned that I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. Sure, I was a mess but I will continue to take care of my daughter the best I know how. I don't need you or anyone else.  

.

They gave her some juice to see if she could keep it down. This is where my fingers were crossed. She drank 8oz within a few minutes. Poor baby was so thirsty.

Princess' For A Day

While in Tucson, my sister had the brilliant idea of making the girls tutus, wands and hats and take them up to Mt. Lemon and do a little photo shoot with my new camera. You know, like little fairies. It was a long and sometimes unbearable process but we accomplished it. You see, my sister is rather crafty and I am not. She has these visions and creates them. I having trouble in that department.

On the mountain, the girls had some issues. To put it nicely, they very cranky, so the pictures were limited. Though we were able to snatch some cute ones. So in between trying to put my new photography skills at work, it kinda turned into a photo shoot of my sister and I. We had never done something like this before so it was a lot of fun. Well, it was fun when the girls weren't screaming or crying anyways.

These a just a few of the hundreds we took. More to come.