Princess' For A Day

While in Tucson, my sister had the brilliant idea of making the girls tutus, wands and hats and take them up to Mt. Lemon and do a little photo shoot with my new camera. You know, like little fairies. It was a long and sometimes unbearable process but we accomplished it. You see, my sister is rather crafty and I am not. She has these visions and creates them. I having trouble in that department.

On the mountain, the girls had some issues. To put it nicely, they very cranky, so the pictures were limited. Though we were able to snatch some cute ones. So in between trying to put my new photography skills at work, it kinda turned into a photo shoot of my sister and I. We had never done something like this before so it was a lot of fun. Well, it was fun when the girls weren't screaming or crying anyways.

These a just a few of the hundreds we took. More to come.

Shes's A Big Girl Now

I have to say this potty-training thing...not so bad. With the help of my sister, Ellie's been doing so good. The way that seems to work the best is awarding her with treats. Lollipops, chocolate and candy. That may not be the smartest idea but for us, it is. Though shes caught on. Sometimes, she'll just go pee pee a little bit, I mean, a few drops but I'll still give her a prize. But a short while after that, she uses the potty again. She's working my system!She knows what she gets if she uses the potty chair. I wouldn't say shes completely potty trained but shes got the pee pee part down. She can wear panties all day and she uses it all by herself. She'll come tell me or I'll hear the little potty chair song. We give hi-fives and we still dance. She's becoming a big girl.

These were from her first day of potty-training.

Ellie's Day

Today was one of those days. It was just "blah." Nothing in particular happened, just a low day.On that note, I was very proud of my darling Ellie. We decided she was going to become a "big girl" today by starting to use the potty. She was resistant to the thought. She kept saying she was scared. Silly girl. Though in a strange way, I understood every time she said that. Doing something that's completely new to you, is very terrifying. I learned you cant really sit and dwell over it. You just have to do it. Without thinking too much about, we decided it was now or never. Emma, who's younger, is already in the process of getting potty trained. We borrowed some of Emma's Toy Story panties. Though they were little boys underwear, they looked so cute on Ellie. I promised her prizes or candy and anything else that popped in my head if she used the potty. To my surprise, she used the potty three times. She had two accidents but that was bound to happen. She used it twice with some help and the other she ran to the potty, pulled down her panties and used it all by herself! She was so excited. We gave hi-fives and danced a little. She won some candy and a princess doll. She picked them both from the "Potty Prizes" basket. This little girl was more than ready to get potty-trained. It wasn't my idea to start today but with a push from my sister, I thought it was the right time. We didn't come prepared so tomorrow we are going to go pick her out some big girl panties.

Mommy's so proud of you Ellie!

Small Things I Enjoy

In this journey of finding ones true self, Ive had the pleasure of figuring out things about myself that I would've never thought. For instance, this blog. I never had a thing for writing, but I love it now. I look forward to blogging whenever I'm feeling a little down or even great. I've gotten a few people say I should let my writing take me somewhere in life. I get a lot of compliments and it feels good. Doing something I have a passion for and getting some kind of acknowledgment for it. I really enjoying writing. Who knows it might take me somewhere some day.

Along with writing, Ive come to realize I love photography. When I'm behind the lens, I feel like I'm in another world. I can take pictures all day. So in this realization, I wanted a good camera that I can practice with. So I don't have to keep using my sisters camera all the time. I bought a Canon SLR to take my passion to the next level. I fell in love with this camera and it's only been a few days. There will be lots of pictures posted, probably every other day. Show the world my talents (If I have any). I enjoy taking pictures and that all that matters.

Here's some of my first on my NEW camera.

Vision of Whats to Come

So plans have changed slightly. As mentioned before, I was planning on moving to Tucson this past Sunday. Well I decided to wait it out a little bit. Three weeks to be exact. As much as I want to move there, I cant see myself being able to sleep on my sisters couch with Ellie attached to my hip. So I made the decision to hold off for awhile. I want to try and keep Ellie as comfortable as possible, and to me, that wasn't fair to her.

I did visit Tucson this weekend though. Spent time with the family. I have to say it was very refreshing. The last time I was here, it was under different circumstances. The chapter where my life was falling apart before my eyes. I remember it so clearly. The Felicia I always knew, didn't exist at that moment. In that moment, I remember thinking I wasn't going to be able to get over this. Like my life was officially over. Never did I EVER think that Id be in the frame of mind I'm in now. Everyone said I was strong enough to get through it but I was only thinking about things in that very moment. I can picture myself bawling in my mothers arms, asking her if this is really happening.

But here I am now, in the same place where one part of my life ended and now another is beginning. I was shown a glimpse of my future, what it was going to be like here in Tucson. I feel so at ease here. Negative thoughts don't follow me around like they do so often back home. Home? I don't even think of it as my home anymore. That's my past, moving forward is my goal now. I actually didn't think about those that don't matter while I was here. It feels so good. Can I emphasize "so"? All my life, Ive been resistant to change. But for the first time, I'm excited. I think Ellie and I are really going to like it here. Today, we saw the apartments we're going to be moving into. Just that part excites me. They were very cute. Right by Mt. Lemon so the views are amazing. Being around family works wonders. I don't think anyone really pays attention to having family around until they go through a traumatizing experience that requires a lot of love and support. That's what I have here. Family that has been nothing short of amazing to Ellie and I.

In short, things are changing for the better. I'm now, more than ever, excited for my future.

A Heartfelt Message

 It feels good to hear the things that float around in you're head, come out of someone elses mouth. Someone you least expected. Someone you thought couldve cared less about your crazy thing called life. There really isnt a whole lot of people I can say helped me along this journey of heartbreak, acceptance and moving on. A hand full..maybe.

One popped up the other day. An unexpected yet thoughtful being. One I guess was always there, just under the radar and slightly misinformed. Your words spoken, seem so clear to me. That's when I knew it wasn't just in my head. I have every right to feel the way I do. The words and thoughts you so simply put, made sense. I understood everything you were saying. While reading your "so matter of fact" and inspirational words, there were moments when I felt that forbidden sensation slowly fall down my cheek.That doesn't happen everyday anymore. Those days are becoming less as time goes on. Even though some of the things you were saying, other people had already said, it seemed like it hit me that much harder. Maybe it's because I felt like you could feel my pain. Or the fact that you now know the other side.Whatever made you reach out to me, Im very much grateful. I want you to know that just typing this, makes me emotional. You came at a time when I feel like Im getting stronger and able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I still very much need that encouragement and I could always use that extra person telling me that Im going to come out of this on top. Even though I know I will, reassurance doesnt hut.Theres those people that say, "Im here for you" or "if you ever want to talk, I'll be there." I feel youre one of the more sincere people I can confide in.

A wise man once said, "The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core strength within you that survives all hurt." Though I wish this "turning point" couldve came in another form of my life, I completely believe I have discovered my own strength within me. I haven't been rid of all this hurt that walks on this broken but fully capable of recovering heart of mine, but it will eventually decrease its stabs it ever so slightly puts in my fragile heart. That'll be the day Max Lerner,  when I can say I survived all hurt from my own strength.

I can honestly say Ive already learned so much about myself. How much keeping positive thoughts in my head calms my mind. Keep moving forward, without paying much attention to things that you cant change. Giving up on all those "what if's" and start saying "what now?" Its so crazy how something like this usually happens that gives us a different frame of mind. I hope he can find that peace within him that gives him the strength to live the life he's always wanted. I know, in everything he has taken away from me, the one thing he's given me in replace is the opportunity of finding my true self. In no way am I saying its not a struggle each day, but in the sense of, he's brought out qualities in myself that I didn't know existed. And for that, a smile appears.

MOVING on

So....in four days, Ellie and I are making the big move! I couldn't be more excited. New city to explore, new people to meet and much more family time. I'm so ready to leave all this behind. Forgetting my old life. Start fresh. Make a new beginning for myself. I plan on getting there and doing nothing but great things. I like that I wont know anyone but those in my family. So no one really has the opportunity to judge me and my past. I'll take these experiences that crossed my path, and use them to better myself in this new life I'm going to create. I'll look back at my old life one day and it will merely be a distant memory that brought me new insight on life. Its something negative that has happened but I'll be damned if it keeps my spirit down. Life works in mysterious ways and Im sure this is one of many more to come. Could I say a blessing in disguise? I have never been more sure about anything. : )

I remember always saying I wish Ellie and her cousin Emma could grow up to be best friends and go to the same school. Well now all that can happen. More memories to make. Like when the girls decided to put our make-up on...They're going to get into so much trouble together. Ready Jenie?

These are the things I'm looking forward to. Nick and Daniel, ready to show me all the hot spots in Tucson? Haha if they're are any! And DJ, ready to spend lots of quality time with you're favorite sister in-law? I know you are!

Well I know you guys are just excited about the move as Ellie and I are!

See ya in a few days!!

A Stranger's Words

"Mommy, mommy!?" says the young girl in the yellow ruffled dress. "Yes, my darling?" answers the beautiful thirty-something woman. "Do you think anyone is ever completely happy, like, with everything in their life?" The mother looked as if her daughter had asked a crazy question. " Well, yes, I do." She continued to say, "life is always going to have it's downfalls, but never let them keep you down. You get right back up with a smile, even if it hurts." The little girl smiled as she said, "Is that what you did to make you as happy as you are?" The woman kneeled down, eye level with her daughter and said, "I'm happy because I have you Libby."

I was at Borders when I overheard this conversation. It brought tears to my eyes as I saw how the little girl, who's name I now know is Libby, reacted to what her mother just said. Libby grabbed her mothers hand with pride and walked away. I sat there for a minute, taking in what I had just witnessed. It was kinda crazy how it related to my situation. I remember thinking to myself that that is how Ellie and I are going to be. Me, so thankful to have her and her, proud to have a mommy like me.

 I now know whats important in life. Happiness and family. This woman, who put things in perspective for me, without her knowing it, made me think. I don't need to have all the other things that supposedly come with being happy. Just the things that matter most. Family...without family, what do you have? Nothing. A life full of feeling empty and sad. I appreciate my family that much more.

I was away from Ellie for four days and it feels so good to be around her again. I saw her and just smiled. My precious daughter who keeps me going each day. Oh where would I be without her...not in a good place probably.

While I was away from her, it just made me realize how shes changed my life. Brought so much joy and love into my heart. Showed me what unconditional love is. Sometimes, I just look at her in amazement, cant believe I was chosen to be that little girls mother. She makes my life worth living. There are times when we just lay in bed together and giggle, give lots of hugs and kisses, and talk. That actually happens a lot. When I think back to a few months ago, I thought we were pretty close. But now I know and feel our relationship has become closer. And it's only going to get stronger. I love that girl more than I can even express. How can anyone not?

So I think back to that woman in the bookstore and how she gave me something to think about. She was so genuine and loving in what she said to her daughter. Though my favorite, was the way Libby looked at her mother, like she was so proud.

That'll be us Ellie.

Tucson Here We Come!

Id never thought these words would be coming out of my mouth. Tucson?! Really?! The place I always said Id never move to. When unexpected things happen in your life, the unexpected happens. Tucson may not be the greatest of all places to live but I'm going to make the best out of it. Do what I need to do, for myself and for Ellie. She'll be happier around her best friend Emma, uncles, aunt, her Maga, and all her extended family. I'm sure we with both miss certain things about Phoenix, but it doesn't mean we're leaving for life. Her and I both need as much family around us as possible. She needs to have some consistency in her life right now, and its not happening here. Her life has been turned upside down and I know making this move will only do great things for her.

I will look back on this experience one day and be able to smile at it all. The smile's not completely there right now, but oh it will be, eventually. I know I'll come back one day, with a better life for us. I'll be able to look at you all and laugh at those who's life are the same as they always were. Unhappiness and full of misery.

So I sit here as I'm typing this and smile. I smile because I know I'm going to make it. To everyone that said I was a strong woman and I would come out of this on top, thank you. I didn't see it then, but I sure as hell see and feel it now.

To the few friends here in Phoenix that stood by me during hard time (and you know who you are), this isn't a goodbye but simply a, see you later.

Im excited for a fresh start, so here we come Tucson!

I was Handed a Lemon...Therefore I must Make Lemonade..

They say all good things must come to an end...its that time now. Never thought Id say "this" was coming to a close but it's probably for the best. That's even crazy to think. I say that, but in my heart, I don't know if I completely agree. I do believe though, that things happen for a reason. I can't say I was ever unhappy but maybe this is his way of saying I was meant to do something amazing with my life. I have to look at it that way. I wish things couldve ended differently but on the other hand, I'm excited to start a new life. So in a weird way, I say, "thank you". Not thank you for ending things, bailing on us, or giving up, but for setting me free. Free to do the things I've always wanted to do with my life but never really given the opportunity.  I know Ill make that life for myself that Ive always wanted. Prove to you that I wasn't a waste and I can be that amazing, independent, successful woman I had always dreamt of.

So to all you out there that think I'm a failure, a forgettable person or even another statistic, you are the one's I'm most excited to prove myself to. This will not bring me down nor cause me to go down the wrong path, it will simply make me that person I knew I could and wanted to be all along.

So here I go..with a smile. Lemonade anyone?